Letters to VIZ magazine



· Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond



· What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.



· Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P Boddington, Ringway



· Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son with the same name who lives with us. Close call, Yours



· What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.



· I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.



· WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.



· Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue serving those fat f***ers? Its hardly fair.



· Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius



· The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.



· They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.



· If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?



· These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down



· We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France , then North Africa , Italy , France (again) and finally Germany . The shame will always be with us.



· Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.

Werner Hoffman, Munich .



· I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.



· Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.



· So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.



· I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Brown receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is................ who's sending the other one?

Brilliant - I'd forgotten how funny Viz can be

Me too, RRC.

Used to get this regular, but not bought one for at least three years. I think it's time to start again!

Letters page and the 'Top Tips' were always, without exception, cry your eyes out hilarious.

Hers a few more........
GREAT thread by the way, Bedders

THESE DAYS, most shops have wheelchair access, but once inside the shop, the needs of the disabled are all but forgotten. Whilst in my newsagents the other day, I realised how difficult it must be for someone in a wheelchair to purchase a top shelf magazine. They would have to ask someone to pass it down which would cause great embarrassment. . Wouldn't it be a good idea if newsagents had a pneumatic ramp by the magazines to lift wheelchairs up to the top shelf. It could be fitted with flashing lights and a klaxon to warn other customers to keep clear of the mechanism when in operation.
Steve Dawson, e-mail


SO WHAT if the Royal Family costs each of us 58p a year? I'd rather it go to them than bloody asylum seekers. These foreigners come over here with all their relations, we give them houses, and they never do a stroke of work, just sponge off the state. They do a marvellous job. God bless 'em.
J. Froud, London



WE READ a lot in the newspapers about strategies to prevent another September 11th happening, but upon checking my calendar today, I noticed that yet another one is planned for later this year. Will they never learn!
Moose, e-mail


TOP TIPS:

AIRLINE pilots. Encourage your passengers to 'get up and move about a bit' while doing 500mph, 30,000 feet above an ocean, but indignantly insist they 'remain seated with their seatbelts fastened' as you dawdle the three miles across the tarmac to the arrival gate at 5mph.


MICRA DRIVERS. The little number 5 on your gearstick refers to what is known as 'fifth gear'. This will allow you to reach speeds of over 25 mph.
Rebecca, e-mail


AMERICANS. Build your houses out of bricks and mortar instead of cheap wood to avoid having them destroyed by hurricanes every few weeks.
Craig Meredith, e-mail


DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help' simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
Chris Ash, e-mail



I really must stop now.....getting hooked all over again

I particulary liked the Um Bongo one

The September 11th one made me

What is this 'Viz' you speak of though?

You've never heard of Viz? Its a comic with Billy the Fish, Sexist Sid, and all sorts of nonsense.

Unfortunately not as I find these hilarious.

And Billy the Sexist? Whoooooooo?

JoetheRam wrote:Unfortunately not as I find these hilarious.

And Billy the Sexist? Whoooooooo?

no no Billy the Fish and Sid the sexist. http://www.viz.co.uk/

I see...

Looks good - is it an actual magazine or solely internet based?

Yes its an actual Mag

I'll have to look out ferrit then.

Not forgetting, Biffa Bacon (f**K off, mutha, yer c**t), Roger Melly, the man off the telly, The two and only Fat Slags and the Mrs Brady, the old lady!!("Good Morning, Mrs Brady" "Bollox, Postie!)

Not from Viz but Still found these funny

A list of announcements that London Tube train drivers have actually
made to their passengers...

Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service.
I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen
to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over
to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll
let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here
for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass
some time together. All together now... 'Ten green bottles, hanging
on a wall...'.'

'We are now travelling through Baker Street . As you can see, Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told
me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about
things like that'.

'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it
to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the
sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not
provided.'

'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause.) 'Oh go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -- I'm going
home....'

'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate
instructions.'

'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that
the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or
your bags into the doors.'

'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the
door.'

'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?'

'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please
move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a
personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the
rear of the train: Put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody
golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove
them up your ar*e sideways!'